Who's in the house?

“I think I might be misanthropic, “ I announced to HippieHusband at bedtime.

“I know people. That’s just having common sense.” he said. “People are not worth liking.”

In all seriousness, I was referring to how the practice of meditation is making me suffer more. Since the whole postdoc thing erupted into a volcanic mess [yes, it got worse], I’ve been having these frequent vengeance fantasies spinning in my head. I didn't think it was a big deal and being the scientist, I decided to run an experiment (pseudoreplicated of course). For one day, I would just keep track of how many times I fell into a vengeance fantasy. I counted 50 times and those were only the ones I was actually aware were occurring.

Fifty times! I bet you're thinking, dear reader, she's one fucked up bitch.

Let's take a step back. Stand with me, will you, in front of a bathroom mirror in the morning as I brush my teeth. Allow me to introduce you to my mind.

"Brush a little bit more on that front tooth it feels so slimey. I didn't sleep so well, ugh I can see this -- and then it begins. The fantasy. I walk into RedBull's office handing her a piece of paper (my resignation letter, of course) and then telling her among other things, how people don't quit their environment they quit their bosses and how I quit her. How I will never collaborate with her ever again. How she is considered a pariah in her own department. How she is a small scientist whose science is shit. How the reason she has no real friends is because she is insecure, stupid, and narcissistic. How no one wants to hear about when she was a PhD student or postdoc and had to mouth pipette dangerous liquids while walking barefoot 12 mi in the snow. After I walk away, things turn around and I become this big shot industry mogul or TheFuckingBigMan on campus with GlamourMag pubs. We meet at conference where she follows me around begging for me to collaborate with her. Karmic dispensation. Reap what you sow bitch. And I wake up from the dream still standing in front of the mirror thinking how much time just passed? OMG."

As an aside, have you ever been fully aware of what you think about when you brush your teeth? It's a very interesting exercise.

If my mind is inclined towards all that vengeance no wonder I'm feeling misanthropic. I thought I would come up with a plan that would incline my mind differently. Each time I noticed the story, whether it was the beginning, middle or ending I would let it go and do a metta meditation. [For those who don't know, it's a meditation of friendliness where you repeatedly say things like May I be happy, May I be at ease, etc. The idea is to incline the mind towards friendliness. How could one lose with such a strategy?]

By the end of the week, I was feeling worse. In fact it became so bad that it culminated in a vitriolic confluence of angry-postdoc meets why-me-brain-tumor on the weekend. And on top of all the vengeance I was angry that this stupid metta practice didn't work. After I calmed down and HippieHusband wiped away my tears and held me gently, he pointed out that while I may not realize it, he noticed that the meditation has allowed me to meet difficulty with grace.

Instead of abandoning the practice, I asked for help from a my wisdom support teacher, HappyBuddha.

"The problem with doing the metta as a way to counter the anger," she said, "is that you are trying to control the anger with a smile. Suppress it, push it back into a little tiny hole inside you, when what helps is to just be at ease with it."

Her suggestion was to:

1. Take a deep breath.

2. Drop your shoulder and release the jaw (because that's where I feel it) but don't try to control the relaxation.

3. As soon as you notice the fantasy, name the emotion. What is your attitude toward the fantasy? Desire to continue the story. Justification of why your story is valid. The idea is to bring ease not to suppress emotion. So that you can accept and allow the presence of it but it doesn't cause you any additional suffering. Don't analyze just watch it. Observe it and then let it pass. If you can't meet the anger with wisdom then find a way to dissipate it - go for a run, punch a pillow, etc.

The path to wisdom is considered a purification process and so the practice of meditation is making me face my mind. As one buddhist ninja, Suzki Roshi, said, "Getting to know the mind is not good news." Damn straight. Especially when she's one an angry bitch.